Fear of needles
by LittleKnobi
Summary: No Slash! 1. Chap.:Sheppard has a duty to fulfill. One he is afraid of. A bit of Sheppard whump.2. Chap.: John's first confinement to the infirmary. 38 minutes Spoiler, missing scene. Complete
1. Fear of needles

**First SGA fic. No slash. First published english fic**. **Shep whump**

**Sorry, but no beta-reader. At least not a native english speaker. I Hope you'll enjoy reading this anyway.**

**Oh and for my story**** I decided****, that "38 minutes" happens after "suspicion". **

**I do not own any SGA Characters.  
**

* * *

It's been a month since the expedition team had arrived in Atlantis. It had been easy to find an excuse without raising too much suspicion since. 

He'd done it just before leaving earth

On a mission

Catching a cold

On a mission

Dizziness, caused by iron deficiency

On a mission

But now he'd just returned from a mission, he couldn't tell them for the third time in a few weeks, he'd have a cold. The iron deficiency was down, too, because since he so innocently forgot to take them, he had to check in at the infirmary to take those pills each morning.

Thinking about it, it might have tipped them off that he was trying to avoid it.

"Major Sheppard."

"Nurse Sanders"

"You returned healthy from your mission."

"Yes, so it seems"

"I guess it's time that you pay us a visit. Let's say tomorrow at 11 am?"

"I'd love to, b-"

"Great! I'll see you then!"

And off she went. Now he won't be able to find a way around it.

He was so glad that he had managed to not be a patient in the infirmary. When he had been hit by a wraith stunner he'd been able to move again just in time before Dr Beckett could start on him.

It's not that he's never been in an infirmary. As long as he couldn't run from it he had to endure it. But as soon as his legs would carry him he left these horrible institutions. In fact, he's never been in one infirmary twice. But here on Atlantis, there was only one infirmary and as much as he hated infirmaries he didn't want to cross people there. He had to stick with them god knows for how long.

* * *

After a sleepless night John made his way to the infirmary. He'd done everything that could make them send him away again. He hadn't been drinking anything and hadn't had breakfast. 

As he slowly walked towards his doom he still thought about possible ways out of the terrible procedure.

He could take a run, so his blood pressure and heart rate would be too high. Well, considering his military training he wouldn't be able to raise his heart rate or blood pressure without considerable sweating and that would be damn obvious.

He could still say that he was homosexual… No, bad idea!

Dr Beckett was just tending to a sprained ankle of an athosian boy when the Major entered his infirmary. He had dark circles under his eyes and seemed to be a bit out of it in general. But he knew that it was Sheppard's turn to give blood this morning. So the CMO didn't look up from the ankle and didn't notice. But he did notice that the Major took some time to reach the door to the donation room.

He'd been only a few minutes in the room when Dr Becket stood at the exit of the infirmary where he'd just dismissed the boy. At that very moment the door to the donation room was yanked open and Major Sheppard stormed out, quickly rolling his sleeve down. In the doorframe stood nurse Sanders flabbergasted with a needle in the hand.

The CMO quickly put one and one together and stood in the doorway of the only exit of the infirmary Sheppard was heading for.

"Get out of my way, Beckett!"

"I don't think the nurse was able to do her work yet, Major."

He blushed at being caught. "I don't care. Let me go!"

"So you don't care about the people that are going to die in here because we can't give them blood transfusions as long as you returned them in an act of heroism?" he tried to reason with him.

John went silent. He mulled over what the Doc had said and at last he admitted defeat. He just had to experience it himself, John thought and dreaded what was about to happen.

"Bloody vampire", answered Sheppard and walked again into the room closely followed by Dr Beckett.

I'll take care of it nurse Sanders" The nurse glared suspiciously at Sheppard but left.

"You do understand that it is necessity that all members if possible give blood to ensure the supply of blood for every injured person in need of some?"

He hated to agree on that. But the Doctor was right. They couldn't rely on scarce voluntary donators. Everybody had to give blood. He nodded surly.

"So don't give us a hard time about it. Remove you're jacket please and hop up here." He pointed at the couch.

He reluctantly removed his jacket and his guts started to become a little queasy. Although he still wore a t-shirt he felt very vulnerable with his arms exposed. With his legs turning to jelly he sat on the couch.

"Now Major is there anything you can think of that might render you unfit for donation?"

"If there was something I wouldn't be here. But I wondered whether elusive veins and…" He pondered why he should tell the doctor about it. It wouldn't change anything. He shortly looked up in the sympathetic face of the doctor and suddenly took a liking to him. "… and a fear of needles in general count."

A gentle smile flickered on the doctor's face: "I'm afraid it doesn't. But knowing that helps me to sympathise with you, son"

"It does?" The Major stiffened up as Beckett coaxed him to lie down. He felt even more vulnerable now.

"You know there are quite a lot of marines afraid of needles. You're in best company!"

Although he didn't feel like joking he asked: "Really? Who else?" Carson chuckled.

'"Can't tell you that, can I? But I bet a lot of them would love to know that their CO is afraid, too."

"Got your point" he said, tensioning up as the Doctor scanned for a suitable vein in his arm.

"They don't seem that elusive to me, Major. This is going to be an easy one."

"Yeah sure, if you say so…"

Dr Beckett strapped his left arm with a rubber tie and disinfected it. John stared resolutely the other way and clenched his teeth.

"Wait!" he suddenly had an idea. Carson stopped. "Do you promise to let me go after the third try?"

"I don't see it coming to that, son. But if it makes you feel better, then yes."

John took up his former position. Tensed up as he was he jumped, when the needle entered his arm.

"There you are. Already done." Beckett was sure he had won. But as suddenly as the flow of blood had started it stopped again. He gave John something to knead on (who looked as if he was asked to take over the leash from his torturer) to start the blood flow again. But to no avail.

"I'm afraid I'll have to redo this."

"What a surprise!" Sheppard gulped. Why did he have to ask for three times? One time was already good enough for him! And there was the needle again. He felt Beckett trying to adjust the needle in side his arm. He was pretty close to letting a soft groan slip although he was far to embarrassed already. But as he squeezed his eyes shut he couldn't prevent to breathe a little harder.

Beckett felt sorry for the Major. This was hard on him. He pulled out the needle and moved to his right side to try the other arm. "Bear with me Major. This has to be possible."

John started to perspire and felt rather exhausted when Beckett pulled the needle out again having been unsuccessful. Although the ambitious doctor obviously hadn't counted, he had. As the doctor went for another go at his arm John stopped him.

"You know that this would be the fourth time, don't you?"

"Is it already? Bloody hell. It _is_ difficult to draw blood from you. But I might be successful if you just let-"

"No. You promised!"

"Aye, I'll probably fail again anyway. Maybe I should relieve you from your duty as blood donor."

"You can do that?"

"Aye."

"I would really appreciate that, you know!"

"Ok, I'll take care of it, son" Carson turned to fetch some adhesive tape for the major's arm. "You can leave after I-" Beckett turned around to find Sheppard gone. "

"That one is going to keep me busy" he murmured while placing the adhesive tape back to where it belonged.

END

**Please review/ inform me about mistakes to correct**

**I might continue this storyline...**


	2. First confinement

**Major spoilers for 38 minutes! **

**As I indicated at the end of the first chapter I wrote some kind of sequel. This is about John's first confinement** **to the infirmary. I chose the storyline of 38 minutes for that and added a missing scene explaining why Sheppard seems so comfortable at the end of the episode. **

**Let me thank all my reviewers personally:**

**reen212000: My first review and I felt myself blush :o)**

**apm: I started giggling with joy!**

**Kodiak Bear Country: I got the idea from a friend of mine who has the same problem. But she studies medicine and one course included drawing blood from each other. She had a terrible time because everyone wanted to try drawing blood from her _because _it was so difficult.**

**parisindy: As short as your review was. It made me happy nevertheless :o)**

**Pocus: As said before. I was inspired by the problems my friend has. I myself am a regular blood donor.**

**Linnzi: This story is for you and all the other lovely reviewers!**

**Willowburano: You'll live my dear sister! By the way I've decided to translate your fic. :o)**

**Whirlwind-2005: Don't we love to see(read) him suffer ;o)**

**Rissa of the Saiya-Jin: Well, our beloved Beckett did let him go, didn't he? **

Sheppard lay at the back of the jumper completely immobile because of the paralysis caused by the bug that held on to his neck. _Well_, John thought, _if this is not getting me into the infirmary I'll dance!_

He'd loved to get rid of the beast, before it came to that but Teyla, Rodney and Ford thought that it wasn't possible. He wasn't ready to give up yet.

"Well, I could use a second opinion. Get Beckett on the radio!" Talking to the doctor over the radio would be much better than being in the infirmary at Beckett's mercy.

"This is Dr Beckett. How's our patient?" He sounded so dangerous so ready to torture him with needles and all the bad things. But he was far away and couldn't reach him AND the only one who might prevent him from ending up somewhere he didn't want to.

"How do you feel about house calls, doc?" he dared to joke.

"I would if I could" _Yeah, I'm sure you'd loved to get to know the bug as it succeeded at what you didn't _"But you'll have to settle for long distance" _That was the idea! _"I'm told you have something of a cling-on?"

"It's funny. It's actually the ugliest damn tick you've ever seen." _Hopefully I'm not too blatantly trying to spoil this bug for you…_

"How did it attach itself?" _Still interested? _John thought back to the moment he obtained his buddy on the neck. He had felt like he'd stumbled into some kind of huge cobweb while he had been moving backwards. Before he had been able to shake off the prickle that had travelled up his back (which was not a prickle at all but the bug crawling towards his neck) the pain had started.

After John had told Beckett what he knew and Ford took over to describe the bug to the Doctor he felt glad not having to speak for a while. Every movement above his shoulder including speaking hurt and he would've gladly fallen into unconsciousness. But he didn't. Beckett asked him yet another question.

"Major, what are your physical symptoms?" _God, couldn't it have been a simple 'yes or no question'?_

"Well, at first it felt like a knife in the eye. Since then I've lost all the feelings in my extremities. Can't move." Beckett muttered something John couldn't possibly understand. But while the Doctor was occupied with his own thoughts John came up with something. Something that might urge the doctor to find a way to remove the bug before they reached Atlantis. It would be the only thing that might buy him a way out of the infirmary one last time.

"I need to be able to move around and help McKay with the mechanical problem." Well he might be the best man to fly a jumper but techniques... He added to convince Beckett: "Markham and Stackhouse are dead if I don't!"

Everyone seemed to be buying it and they assembled every single thing available to them and likely to be helpful at his side. He eyed the items suspiciously but to his relieve he spotted no needle.

Wouldn't it hurt that much he would've actually chuckled at that thought. Here he was sitting doomed to death not only by a wormhole threatening to expose them to hard vacuum but also by a nasty bug with some kind of nasty sharp things bored nastily into his neck. Everyone would consider that to be the worst. But he worried about a needle in his arm.

Although there was no immediate danger of a needle it was still frightening as Ford tried liquid after liquid on the bug. But neither iodine nor alcohol made any difference. Next thing Ford tried not only literally but also figuratively to pour salt on the creature. Again nothing happened. But then Ford added water to it.

This time the bug reacted. As the creature began to suck more viciously John started to groan. The pain was getting worse as the creature bore itself deeper into the neck of the Major. As the pain worsened the low groan rose steadily into an ear piercing cry. Then everything went black.

When he woke everything around him seemed to be in a bit of a mess. Someone must have rioted quite badly. But he had no idea who could have done that.

But a more pressing matter started to seek out his mind. Death. He'd tried to tell Elizabeth earlier that he was sure about it. But which way he was about to die was not so clear to him right now. He could be killed by this creature but he also could die due to the exposure to vacuum. Not to forget the danger of the infirmary.

But then John remembered what Teyla had said about the creature and it being probably related to the wraith. If it was not to save him it would at least be a nice and quick death.

"Hit me with the defibrillator!" The other three in the jumper protested but Beckett's face must have lit up in realisation judging the chant in his voice.

"You may be on to something, Major!" The other three had yet to catch up with their thoughts. The doctor made sure they got everything right and talked Lt. Ford through the procedure.

When everything was prepared Ford hesitated with the paddles in his hands. He was just as afraid of this as John was himself. But John worked up the courage to spit out the words: "Do it!"

Carson rushed into the jumper as soon as the ramp came down. Teyla kneeled next to the lifeless form of Major Sheppard. McKay stood behind her with a horrified face. Markham and Stackhouse still sat in their seats looking dumbstruck at the whole scenery.

The side of the Major's neck was caked with blood. While the nurse prepared him for reanimation Carson stitched the two holes that were left by the creature on the Major's neck. As it no doubt had accessed the jugular vein Sheppard would most likely bleed like hell if he started his heart again.

And then he started to reanimate.

Once …

Twice …

The third time there was a small abnormality on the heart monitor and after the fourth hit with the defibrillator the heart started to beat. The pulse got stronger and he told the surrounding people that the Major would be ok.

Back in the infirmary Dr Beckett hooked John up to various machines. At last there was the matter of the IV left. He hesitated briefly with the needle in hand. But then he decided that it had to be easier finding a way in than out. He inserted the needle and the IV was set after the first try. _That went well. _

After he'd done everything for the Major he decided to fetch his laptop and finish his desk work close to him. He wasn't sure why exactly he did it. But he had a feeling that it was the right thing to do.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was THE Smell. Before opening his eyes he did a first assessment. A terrible pain in the chest and neck but besides he felt quite fine. In his opinion he was able to walk. But as he heard a heart monitor he realised that he'd have to get rid of a few things first and that the monitors peeping had probably given away that he was awake. So he had to be fast.

He opened his eyes and rose at the same time. But before he could do anything else two powerful hands pushed him back down. _Damn it. This is the first time I'm caught and that even before I could get out of bed. What's the matter? I've always managed!_

"Easy Major. Settle down. You're not yet out of the woods. I need you to rest."

His eyes focused on the CMO. Now he remembered. He was in Atlantis. He couldn't run.

"I'll give you something for the pain, son." John tried to say no, but couldn't speak at first and coughed instead. "Ah, that's not necessary. The pain's not too bad." "Oh, don't worry Major, the needle is already inside."

He looked down his arm and there it was. The IV which was now used to apply some sort of pain-killer. Then he remembered the circumstances that brought him here and he carefully lifted a hand to the side of his neck where the creature had been,

"It's gone Major. There is nothing to worry about." John wasn't so sure about that. He took a closer look at his doctor. "Have you been sitting here all the time?"

"Yes, fortunately. Otherwise you might've tried to run, wouldn't you?"

John blushed. "No, I wouldn't have!" Carson cocked an eyebrow. "Well, I was just trying to assess the situation."

"Of course you were!"

After a moment of silence, John spoke up again. "Why do I have to stay?"

"Son, it's not too long ago that we had to reanimate you. We have to keep an eye on you while you recover. You just don't walk away from something like that!"

"But I did it before!" The words slipped out before he could prevent himself saying.

"You did what?" The doctor met him with disbelief.

Again he felt like trusting Beckett although he was staring at him right now with eyes wide open. "I once received an electrical shock and I had to be reanimated. I woke up in a hospital. You know me and needles… As the doctors there weren't as omnipresent as you are, nobody noticed me leaving." He really didn't know why he told Beckett about it. Now he knew that he liked to slip out of hospitals. He would be watching out for him even more. _Damn it!_

"I'm amazed that you were even able to walk after that." Carson sat down next to the Major. "I take it that you don't trust physicians in general?" He really wanted the Major to be comfortable in his infirmary.

John began to blush and stammered: "Well, it's not that… you know I… ah … like you as a person." He really did. But the whole infirmary thing just scared him stiff.

"I don't doubt that, son. But I'm the _doctor_ you're stuck with and I need you to trust me. I know that quite a lot of people are simply scared by the thought to be helpless and at the doctor's mercy."

With every word the fear weighting on the Major's chest lessened a bit more. He described his feelings about infirmaries precisely. "It's not that I don't _want_ to trust you…"

Carson was relieved to hear the Major giving in a bit. "Ok, let's just start anew here. I'm going to trust you that you won't leave that bed and you can trust me to leave you alone. Is that a deal?"

John felt that he had already started to trust the man in white with the Scottish accent. "No needles, no fussing?" Then he stared at the needle already in his arm.

"I'm afraid, that one has to stay there for a while. But as long as you are the obedient patient and heal, you won't need me."

"Alright. Deal!"

"Wonderful! I'm already gone." He started to walk away only to stop again after a few metres.

"We had a deal, remember?" John thought he had to remind him.

Beckett turned around with a smile. "Aye! I just happen to know, that the blond nurse on duty has a crush on you. I wondered whether you'd like me to send her over to you for a small check-up later."

"Might not be a bad idea, you know!"

John was occupied flirting with the nice blond nurse when his visitors arrived. She left with the promise to check on him later.

John was far more relaxed by now than he was one hour ago. His team members and Elizabeth had been very worried about him. But after a bit of small talk they left relieved with the knowledge that he was well cared for.

As he watched them leave the infirmary he thought. _Well, it's not _that_ bad being in the infirmary after all. _And snuggled himself into the cushion. He fell into a peaceful sleep soon.

**Another story? Well, I might not have the time for one. But a lot of reviews could persuade me.  
**


	3. setback

**Thank you all so very much for your reviews. It was definitely enough motivation to write more. It took me some time though as I had difficulties finding a good storyline. There's a lot more angst and less humour. As it came not as easy to me as the two previous stories it might not be that good. Hope you enjoy this anyway.**

**No spoilers in this one.**

„Unscheduled off world activation"

Dr. Weir came out of her office towards the gate technician at once. The gate opened and he received an IDC.

"It's Sheppard's team, isn't it?", she asked with a slight feeling of trepidation. Since the bug incident she always expected his team to run into problems of some sort. Especially when they came back early.

"Yes Ma'am. It's Rodney's IDC."

"So Rodney seems to be fine. It's John's turn anyway." She activated her radio. "Dr. Beckett? Major Sheppard's team is coming back early I…" Dr. Beckett cut her off.

"I'm on my way!"

Elizabeth watched from the balcony as Rodney and Sheppard came through first closely followed by Teyla and Ford. Rodney seemed to fine indeed. They all seemed to be okay apart from being out of breath as far as she could tell at the distance.

As Carson entered the Gate room he found all four them standing on their own. They were all breathing heavy but not in any pain. Even Rodney, his usual suspect.

"Dr. McKay. I was prepared to give you a ride to the infirmary but you seem perfectly fine. I'm surprised!"

McKay answered between gasps for air: "Yeah … funny … but you … should …" he said no more. Only pointed in the direction of Sheppard. It was then, that Beckett realised that it was quite unusual for Sheppard to be that exhausted while Ford was already breathing quite normal.

"Dr. Beckett, the villagers beat the crap out of the Major for trespassing some sacred ground. After we'd rescued him we had to run for our lives." Ford reported.

"I'm fine!" Sheppard managed to force out leaning against the inactive Stargate as the Doctor approached him.

"I'd like to be the judge of that, Major. Come with me and I'll give you a thorough examination in the infirmary."

"I said I'm fine!" Sheppard growled through gritted teeth. "Just a bit of bruising. All I ne-" He was interrupted by a coughing fit he tried to suppress at first.

"You know that doesn't sound- … bloody hell!" Sheppard started coughing up blood. He stared at his blood covered hands disbelievingly.

"He's bleeding internally. Prepare surgery. Get me that gurney over here!"

Before he could even begin to protest he started to feel dizzy and all of a sudden his legs collapsed under him. He felt being caught, probably by Dr. Beckett, and being lifted upon the gurney.

Beckett tried to calm him when they started to move the gurney: "Don't worry son, we're going to fix you up in no time. But we'll have to operate on you.

John felt panic rising up in his throat. Not surgery, no. With his last reserves John grabbed the Doctors arm and whispered: "No!"

"I'm sorry son, but you wouldn't survive without surgery."

Making another feeble attempt to stop Dr. Beckett John squeezed the arm he still held on to. But he seemed to take that as an encouragement. "Don't worry. You'll be fine!" Then he was gone to get scrubbed for surgery. John had to helplessly watch himself being undressed and prepared for surgery. He wanted to scream at them make them stop. But every time he tried to get a word out he spit up more blood. His arms and legs felt weak and he barely managed to move them.

He was really a sitting duck. All he could do was trying to follow the nurses around him with his eyes trying to determine what they where about to do. Just as he watched one nurse strapping his right hand down, _as if that was necessary_, he felt what he'd been dreading all the time in the back of his left hand. He managed to twitch his hand slightly as the needle was pushed into his vein. Although he could barely move he was absolutely frightened by the thought that he was strapped down

"Sorry, should have warned you." Said the nurse noticing his discomfort. "There you are. Wasn't that bad at all now, was it? I'm applying the anaesthetic now."

John felt desperation rise up in his chest. He might be unable to move but until now he could see what was going on. They were going to take that and his consciousness from him as well and there was nothing he could do about it. He closed his eyes shortly. When he opened them again Beckett was suddenly there and he had to wonder what he was doing here. Wouldn't he be waiting in the OR for him now?

"It's over Major. Relax. We're going to get you out of here soon."

Confused John took his surrounding in and saw that everyone was untying him and releasing him from cables and what else as if someone had hit the reverse button. When he was moved to a more comfortable hospital bed he realised he was even in less control over his body then before. Truth be told he had no control whatsoever. His head wobbled uselessly on his neck when his bed was moved.

He slowly accepted that the surgery was from his point of view done in the blink of an eye. But being awake again he was determined to stay in control from now on. He wouldn't fall asleep again. But he was so damn tired. He allowed to close his eyes just for a second.

* * *

When he opened them again his bed was no longer moving. He was lying in the main part of the infirmary. He should really stop falling asleep like that. He looked around and realised that the nurse who was checking his blood pressure must have awoken him.

He looked up at her suspiciously. Step by step he came a bit more around and regained more control over his body. Soon he'd be able to run. The Doctor had gone way to far. The little trust he'd gained with him was shattered.

But as John tried his first movements by finding a more comfortable position to lie he was overwhelmed by the nausea. The nurse who was still at his side reacted quickly an offered him a pan which he took gratefully. As he heaved he felt the pain from the incision. Every bit of movement hurt like hell and he was relieved when his stomach stopped at long last.

"That is an after-effect of the anaesthetic and quite common, don't worry. It will take a while for the nausea to pass."

He couldn't see himself walking anywhere if he had to stop at every corner to relieve himself. As much as he hated it he had to wait before he would try to run. There would be only the one window of opportunity for him and he couldn't spoil it by recklessness. No, he had to be patient.

* * *

The next few hours John had a restless sleep as he woke up now and then. He had to throw up quite often and felt truly miserable the whole night. At last in the early morning things had started to get better and he had been able to sleep four hours in a row.

When he awoke in the late morning he was pleased to feel that the nausea had completely gone. Taking in his surroundings John was relieved to see that things had changes for the better. Although the IV-Port remained there was nothing connected to it and he was no longer hooked up to any medical equipments.

With a pretty sore chest from surgery and broken rips he decided to reach for that window of opportunity. The infirmary was empty so far and he felt like he could no longer bear being in the infirmary. He had to get out of here. The dizziness hit him no matter how carefully and slowly he rose to a sitting position. Waiting not only for the dizziness but also so the spiking pain in his chest to pass he sat there for a few minutes.

Finally he dared to opened his eyes and have a better look around. He could see the nurse on duty in the nurses' station reading a book. As long as he managed to move soundlessly she wouldn't notice him leaving.

On the opposite side of the infirmary was Beckett's office. He couldn't see whether the Doctor was in there or not. The door was closed. John hoped that it was a sign for him not yet having arrived for duty this morning. John had no idea what time it was. But it felt like early in the morning.

He turned in his bed so that he sat on the edge of his bed facing the nurse, the thread he could see, and his back to Beckett's office hoping that no thread lured behind that door. It was now that he realised he was wearing only a gown. It might have been difficult to go by unnoticed in scrubs in the hallways but in a gown it was absolutely impossible.

Deciding he would've to find his clothes he was about to make the next step and slip of the bed when Carson entered the infirmary. John made a last attempt of escape by standing on his own feet but the Doctor had already reached him and pushed him back on his bed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asked both astonished and annoyed.

"Leaving. Listen Doc I'm fine I..-" But Carson wouldn't let him finish.

"Son, you're not going anywhere. Every movement you make could cause the suture ripping apart not to mention the damage the broken rips might cause. So lie down now, will you!"

Every other patient might have crumbled under Dr. Beckett's outburst but John had made a decision. He wanted to leave the infirmary and even the sight of Elizabeth entering the infirmary after Carson didn't change his mind. "Dr. Beckett, may I remind you that it is my decision alone to stay or not to stay. I'd loved to sign a paper saying that I'll do it on my own responsibility knowing the risks."

Knowing that Sheppard was allowed to leave under that circumstances Beckett was silenced. He just turned to look at Elizabeth unsure what to do. "You know he's right about that."

"Yes, on earth it would definitely be so. But we're on a another planet in another galaxy and I can't let you risk your health by walking out of the infirmary with that kind of injury, John!"

She turned back to Carson. "Make sure that he doesn't leave until he's properly healed."

"Aye" With that she left the infirmary mulling over what had just happened in the infirmary.

John knew he'd lost and felt if possible even more miserable as he had lost every bit of control he might have had previously. And he was not stupid enough to risk being tied to the bed or even sedated. He let himself put back to bed and Beckett check the suture.

"You're lucky, son. I don't have to stitch you back together." Carson had been able to forget about his anger he felt at first and was once again the gentle Doctor. But John didn't mind saying anything in return. He just stared at the ceiling.

Beckett sighed deeply at last. "I'm sorry Major. I know I should have been more sensible yesterday knowing how you feel about Doctors and everything." His words were met with silence. "And I know it's quite a shock being rushed into surgery like that but you have to understand that if we hadn't you could be dead right now." When he still got no response from the Major Carson gave up.

"Major, before I leave I need to know whether you feel like cooperating." No response. "You know we can do it the hard way if you won't stay in bed." This time, John felt like having to respond or hell would happen.

"I'll stay."

It were the last words Sheppard had said. He'd been lying motionless in his bed staring up at the ceiling ever since. The only thing he did was shake his head when asked whether he'd like to have visitors. Now and then Carson had taken his time to sit by his bed and talk to him. But it made no difference at all.

* * *

At long last the day came where Beckett felt he could release the Major from the infirmary. The incision was healing nicely as were the broken rips. Any other patient might have stayed one or two days longer just to be sure. But he was not going to keep a sulking man like that any longer than necessary.

Dr. Beckett examined Sheppard's chest one last time before he broke the news to his stubborn patient.

"Although I have more than enough reasons to keep you a few days longer I'm going to release you now." Carson was startled as the usually on the ceiling fixed eyes suddenly met his. "It will take at least two weeks before I'll be able to clear you for light duty. Until then you'll have to take it easy. It would be best if you stayed in bed for the next couple of days." John hadn't changed his attitude despite the good news. "Ok, lad. I'll have the nurse bring you your clothes." Carson gently squeezed his shoulder and left.

He was just tending to another patient when the Major came out from behind the privacy curtain the nurse had placed around his bed for the time he dressed. He was not quite running but moving as fast as his body would allow. At the exit of the infirmary Sheppard stopped and turned around to glare at Beckett one last time. Then he was gone.

TBC

**So this is the first cliff-hangar. Well, sort of. I already started the second part on paper. But it still may take a week as I'm rather busy studying physics.**

**Oh, Jessica, by the way if you read this: 'realise' is some kind of british English. I kind of got used to writing it with 's'. But thanks for telling be about the Elizabeth-mistake. I changed it. :o)**


	4. insight

**I'm so sorry for all those mistakes I made. I thought I could do without a second reread.  
I've reread it now and hopefully found all mistakes**

John lay on his bed in his quarters. It was some time around midnight. It was pretty much the same as every night since he left the infirmary. Although the door was locked he didn't feel safe. He felt vulnerable. He knew that there was a man who had a medical access code allowing him entrance everywhere in the city. There was no place to go. No place to feel safe, safe enough to sleep.

Elizabeth had tried several times to talk to him but he was quite successful at avoiding her. He didn't have to worry about the Doctor has he was avoiding him as much as he did. His team mates on the other hand were blissfully unaware of what had happened in the infirmary. Rodney might have been a bit insulted by the fact that he wouldn't let him visit. But he forgot about that soon.

But as the days went on they began to realise that their CO wasn't sleeping very well. Teyla was the first to recognise the signs of fatigue. As she began expressing her concerns John told her about the earth illness called insomnia and lied about the fact that it would come and go. She had believed him and asked no further questions since then as he'd added that insomnia was something the people of earth didn't like talking about.

Ford was sure as hell aware of his tiredness and was clearly worried. But he thankfully accepted the privacy of his CO and tried to act as if nothing was wrong.

Rodney was a whole other story. It took him a lot longer to realise but when he did he was a real pain in the ass. The terrible know-it-all that he was kept giving him advice how to find sleep. He kept coming with new ideas and finally even proposed meeting Dr. Heightmeyer.

But what he couldn't tell Rodney was that he really didn't want to sleep. He rather tried to prevent falling asleep. He drank a lot of coffee and went to bed very late. He slept now and then anyway during nights but then he would have terrible nightmares waking him up soon.

He was bored out of his mind not being allowed to do anything. But if he ever wanted to be cleared for active duty again he'd have to go and see Beckett. The pain in his chest was minimal by now and there might be a chance to be cleared for light duty. That would definitely include flying. He missed flying.

As he was released from the infirmary he had thought a lot about a safer place than his quarters but gave up soon. Everything with a lock could be opened by the Doctor. But thinking about flying it struck him. Why hadn't he thought of that earlier?

John rose from his bed and dressed. He slipped out of his quarters and quietly made his way towards the jumper bay.

In the jumper bay he randomly chose a jumper and opened its hatch. He sat in front of the console thinking the ship on. First he closed the hatch locking, then he thought the jumper invisible and finally shut down all the unnecessary functions of the jumper.

Having ensured security at last he leaned back in the chair almost falling asleep. But as John was not too keen on a stiff neck in the morning he heaved himself out of the chair, lay down on the bench and fell asleep immediately.

"Major Sheppard, are you in there?"

Dr. Beckett stood in front of Sheppards quarters. He had already tried knocking. But as before he got no response. Dr. Weir had asked him to pay John a visit since nobody had seen him in 24 hours.

It took some convincing to get the Doctor walking to Sheppards quarters. Ever since he'd had to keep the man in his infirmary against his will he had chosen to avoid closer contact with him. Carson knew that John had lost all good faith with him and might be afraid of any other medical situation like the last one. But he had no intention whatsoever to put him through something like that again soon, hoping that he might be able to gain some trust with the Major before it would be necessary.

But Dr. Beckett had to know whether John was in his quarters and in need of medical attention. Although the surgical incision and the rips must've healed nicely by now there were numerous things possibly ailing the Major. He hadn't been once to the infirmary for a check-up. He activated his radio.

"Grodin, come in, please."

"Dr. Beckett. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like you to check Major Sheppards quarters for any life signs."

"One second … There are no life signs being detected, Doctor."

"Thanks, lad." Beckett sighed. Somehow he was glad that he hadn't found the Major. Yes, he wanted to talk to him about what had happened. But it was just too early for that. He had seen the fatigue in the Major which told him more than enough about his psychological condition. Deciding that he had to talk in private with Dr. Weir he walked to her office

"Carson, come in! Have you found him yet?" Elizabeth was surprised to see her CMO in her office in person as she had expected him to inform her over the radio.

"No Elizabeth. He's not in his quarters. But he has to be somewhere in the inhabited part of the City as there are no life sign showing up in the lonely outskirts of the City."

"So what are we going to do now?"

"Stop looking for him."

"Why?"

"You know I'm not allowed to tell you anything about patients so you have to trust me right now. I think he desperately needs to be alone right now and I'd like him to return on his own."

"Are you sure about that? How do you know, he doesn't need help?"

"Trust me Elizabeth. Help is the last thing he needs right now. Putting any kind of pressure on him might be a horrible mistake right now."

"Alright. But if he's gone for more than seven days I'll have to start looking for him."

"Thank you. I do hope it's not going to take that long."

When John awoke at last he had no idea how long he'd been sleeping but he was feeling a lot better. Well he rather felt nauseous than hungry but as he could've slept for days for all he knew the nausea was probably caused by dehydration. He'd often awoken from a long sleep feeling like this.

He slowly sat up on the bench. The makeshift bed had left every muscle in his body tense. Stretching them he rose from the bench. He'd have to find some water somewhere and let the others know he was alright. They might have missed him for who knows how long. John walked in the cockpit of the jumper, disabled the cloak and opened the rear hatch.

The jumper bay was deserted so he slipped out heading for his quarters being desperately in need of a long hot shower. The hallways were also empty and he found his way to his quarters without meeting anybody. Inside John took a look outside the window from were he could see the sun rising. So it was probably 5 or 6 am. Excellent waking up, he thought.

Taking off his clothes John headed for the much needed refreshment. But before he stepped under the shower he took one mouthful of water to rinse his mouth and another to quench his thirst. The hot water eased his tense muscles and washed away the sickening smell of sleep but the nausea lingered.

The first person he met in the hallway was Teyla. Calling out his name in surprise she caught up with him.

"Major Sheppard! It's good to see you again."

"Likewise!"

"We were all wondering were you've been yesterday. Nobody had seen you."

At least he knew now how long he's been asleep. "Well, you know what I've told you about the insomnia thing?"

"Yes. I remember."

"I think I'm over it. I had to do a bit of a catch up and slept a little while longer."

"Even if I were that tired I could never sleep _that_ long!"

"Yeah, I can imagine that. But I know a lot of people on earth who'd sleep through a day from time to time."

"I have to admit that your condition seems to have improved."

"Thanks Teyla. So, um… where are you going?"

"Dr Weir asked me to see her. I'm heading for her office."

"Oh… so, say hello to her from me. I'm going to have a huge breakfast!"

Teyla smiled and took the hallway leading to Weir's office while Sheppard took another leading to the mess hall. He'd lied about the breakfast. He just couldn't imagine eating anything at all right now. But there were pretty good alternatives for pure water too drink as he found it rather difficult to down that. But he'd have to drink more to get rid of the damn nausea.

McKay came wandered into the mess hall when Sheppard had just sat on a lonely table in the back with a glass of juice. Rodney didn't notice him at first but after he'd piled his breakfast onto his tray and was looking for a table he saw him.

"Well, well. Who's this? Have you decided to return to the land of living?"

"Good morning to you, too, Rodney!"

"Oh, yes. Good morning. So, do you feel like telling where you've been yesterday?"

"I've been sleeping in my quarters and as Teyla told me, I must've slept 24 hours longer than expected."

"No you haven't!"

"What?"

"You haven't been in your quarters yesterday. We checked on the life signs detector."

"You did what?"

"Oh my god. It happened before. To General O'Neill. He was cloned by an Asgard. Major, are you feeling quite yourself?"

"Stop it McKay! I don't think an Asgard had me beamed up."

"You wouldn't know that. I have to talk to Elizabeth…"

"Relax McKay. I haven't been in my quarters. I lied."

"You… what?"

"Listen McKay. I just needed to be somewhere else. Just don't ask where and please don't tell anyone."

Rodney was silenced for the moment thinking about what John had just said.

"So … um … no Asgards?"

"No."

"Ok. I won't tell anybody about it. But what are you going to tell the others?"

"I haven't figured that out yet." John stared at his glass at which he had no more than nipped a few times. So forget about alternatives, he thought. "I'm going back to my quarters now. I'll be there I promise. You can check me up on the LSD if you worry about Asgards beaming me away but I don't want to be disturbed." With that he stood noticing a sharp pain around his navel which he chose to completely ignore and left. "Yeah, that's right. Just lock yourself in your room again just after we've found out you're still here!" McKay called after him as he left.

Walking made the pain worse but Sheppard was hoping it was just the empty stomach rebelling. But for now he was just unable to eat. Entering his quarters he headed straight for his bed and laid down hoping that it would pass eventually. But he began to realise that it was all a vicious circle. As long as he wouldn't eat, the pain would stay and as long as he wouldn't drink the nausea would stay but he couldn't keep anything down feeling as if he'd have to throw up any minute.

Now and then he tried to nip at the water on his bedside table but he wasn't really able to drink much. In addition to his other problems he began to feel hot. The pain was no longer lingering around his navel but seemed to have travelled further down which lead John to the conclusion that it might not be his stomach.

Although the pain was different from the pain he felt while having broken rips he was reminded of his last time in the infirmary. The memory alone made him shudder but through all the negative images and sensations he also remembered salvation from pain through drugs. The pain he was in right now almost made him wish to be given a pain reliever. But John knew that there was no way he was going to get some without dooming himself to a long-term imprisonment in the infirmary. So no option.

Trying to distract himself from the pain he remembered something else: Dr. Beckett sitting at his bedside looking truly sorry. John couldn't remember what exactly he had said but he remembered what he'd been sorry for and he was far from forgiving him. Defenceless as he'd been Beckett hadn't respected his wish to be left alone and had just operated on him.

He'd taken every bit of his control John had had even after surgery. Ok, he had to be fair. Beckett had been willing to release him. Dr. Weir was to be blamed for his imprisonment after that. Thinking about it he actually had to admit that Beckett had tried his best to make him as comfortable as possible.

John felt his determination weakening as the pain got from worse to unbearable. He slowly began to realise that Dr. Beckett was probably the one who could help him out. The negative picture of the Scottish Doctor became blurry and he began to see the positive picture clearlier.

But the feeling of helplessness was still tangible and he wasn't sure whether he'd be able to stand another stay in the infirmary with all those needles and terrible stuff.

He also remembered the pain he was in when he got back through the gate and that it wouldn't have gotten better without Dr. Becketts help. He suddenly realised that he had saved his life that day by rushing him to the surgery and he understood. He was not the one in need of an apology he was the one who had to apologise to the Doctor.

Having made his decision Major Sheppard tried to rise from his bed. Raw pain ripped through his body when he moved. He was barely able to stand on his legs and collapsed back on his bed. He had to admit that he was in no condition to walk to the infirmary by himself. But John was not a man to reconsider a decision he'd made. He grabbed the radio from his bedside table and activated it.

"Dr. Beckett this is Major Sheppard, please come in."

"Aye. What can I do for you, Major?" he sounded a bit surprised at first but the professionalism took over immediately.

"I know I have to work out a few issues with you but for now I have to admit that I could use your help."

"Where are you Major and what is it exactly I can help you with?"

"In my quarters. A hell of a stomach ache."

"I'm on my way Major."

Dr Beckett was more than worried about the call. If the Major was calling for his help himself he must be in a really bad shape. He grabbed a gurney, a nurse and a few supplies and hurried towards the Majors' quarters.

In front of the doors he hesitated. Carson had a medical access code for almost every door but he wasn't sure whether he should use it so he decided to knock on the door.

"Major Sheppard?"

A rather strained voice answered. "Feel free to enter cause I'm not going to open the door!"

Carson used his code and the door opened. Inside he found a sweaty, pale Major on his bed his face contorted with pain. Coming closer he already had a suspicion.

"Major, you need to show me where exactly it hurts."

John circled his hand over his abdomen. "Everywhere below!"

"Since when?"

"I don't know. Some time in the morning."

"If I remember correctly you're still in possession of you appendix, right?" John only nodded in response. "Was the pain different when it started and if so, how?"

"It was located around the navel when I first felt something."

Hesitantly Carson reached for the shirt covering the Majors' belly. "May I?" John just nodded. As the Doctor pulled up his shirt the nurse came over and took his temperature. Again the feeling of being at someone's mercy hit with a full vengeance. But he tried to focus on the conclusion he'd come to earlier.

"Major, I'm afraid I'll have to palpate your abdomen for the exact points of pain because I'm suspecting appendicitis and we're probably not having enough time to test your blood."

"Do what you have to do, Doc."

Slowly and carefully Dr. Beckett pressed knowingly the right places. Every time he hit a hot spot Sheppard hissed in pain.

"Alright Major. I'm sure enough it's appendicitis. I'll have to operate on you."

Somehow John knew it would come to this and he'd feared it. But then he remembered his first visit to Beckett's infirmary. The sensible way he had talked John into staying. Switching back to the present he saw those caring eyes watching him, waiting for an answer.

"I trust you, Doctor." He said. "Do whatever is necessary to cure this."

Carson smiled a relieved smile. "That's it, lad. Now I'm giving you a light sedative to make the ride to the infirmary easier for you." While Carson prepared the syringe the nurse activated her radio asking a team to prepare for surgery.

Still having a hard time controlling his fear he watched Carson punctured his skin with the needle. He hoped the Doctor wouldn't notice him trembling slightly or discarding it as a reaction to the pain in the stomach. But he did notice and after removing the needle he squeezed Johns shoulder and smiled reassuringly. The Major was grateful and eased up a bit. This was the first time he actually submitted to medical attention instead of fighting it.

"Now let's get you onto the gurney before it kicks in, Major."

With the help of the nurse and Beckett John slid over onto the lowered gurney already beginning to feel sleepy. He barely noticed himself being fastened to the gurney and transported to the infirmary. Somewhere on the way he fell asleep not having to witness the preparation for surgery.

For the first time in his life John Sheppard woke up in an infirmary without thinking first of all how to escape. The crappy feeling however that always came along with being in the infirmary was all the same. During the next hours he only woke up occasionally and he never stayed conscious for very long.

Finally he woke up not feeling too sleepy to actually stay awake. Feeling thirsty he looked around for the nurse calling button. It felt weird to use it as he had always avoided anyone coming for him. A few minutes later a nurse came over to his bed.

"You called Major Sheppard?"

"Yes, I did. I'm a bit thirsty and I guess you guys don't want me to get up to get a drink myself."

"Of course not." She carefully raised him to a half sitting position and gave him a glass of water. "Here. But not too much at once or you'll be throwing up."

He took the glass and did as instructed. "Yeah, why is it, that I haven't been throwing up this time anyway?"

"Not all patients vomit after a general anaesthesia and if they do it doesn't happen every time."

"So I got lucky this time?"

She just smiled at him and took the glass out of his hand. "I'll leave you the glass and a bottle of water. Dr. Beckett is going to see you soon." She said and left John alone.

John felt uncomfortable. He wasn't looking forward to meeting the Doctor again. He knew he had to apologise and he hated apologising. He wasn't good at it. But he knew when he owed one to someone and wasn't going to duck out of it.

"Good morning Major. How are you feeling today?" Dr. Beckett had arrived at his bed.

"A lot better than before."

"I have to say that you called me just in time. Your appendix was about to blow."

"So I'll join the club of appendix-less?"

"Aye. But I believe you know that it was useless anyway."

"Yeah." He hesitated shortly but he knew he had to do this so he continued. "Listen Beckett, I really appreciate what you have done for me."

"I'm a doctor. This is my job."

"Yeah, I know that. But when I lay in my quarters I realised that I wasn't that grateful before and I would like apologise for my previous behaviour in the infirmary. You didn't deserve that."

"Oh no, Major. I did deserve that. I should have been more sympathetic to you. I should have known…"

"No, Beckett. What you did saved my life and I had no reason to be angry with you. Now stop feeling guilty because it makes me feel guilty that I made you feel guilty."

"How about forgiving each other and we both stop feeling guilty."

"I could live with that."

"It's settled then." Carson extended his hand and John took it.

"I'll never feel at ease in an infirmary, you know. But trusting the man being responsible for my health makes me feel a lot better."

The Doctor smiled and turned to leave. "So call me if you need anything, Major."

"I will, Doc, I will!"

**THE END**

**So this is the last part of 'fear of needles'. For now I'm rather exhausted but you'll never know when I'll be suddenly inspired to write another story which is most likely going to be based on the events of 'fear of needles'. **

**Oh and I know Sheppard had an appendicits in a lot of Fanfics but it was just the right illness for mine. So I hope you didn't mind. **

**Thank you all for reading!**


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